I really want to start this post with a witty and insightful quip about why I haven’t had something to say about wings in my life lately.
“Life has it’s way of making itself a public toilet that continues to over flow and you keep plunging it and sometimes the Easter Bunny pops out and hands you a basket of Reese’s Eggs but some are unwrapped and you don’t know if they are turds or not.”
You know, deep life, toilet thoughts.
I have been neglecting my wing pursuit in lieu of catching up on life.
The start of any calendar year, I get really introspective and the worst part is, it gets worse over a month later when I have a birthday.
Each birthday, I reflect on my previous year and my aspirations for the year ahead. It’s a great calorie burner. This year, my intention was deeply set on reflecting on how far I have come since the start of 2017.
Last year, I was in the worst pain of my life and finally reached a diagnosis for my IIH. The thoughts I had 340 odd days or so ago I had were along the lines of, “Am I ever going to be able to do comedy the way I want to? Will this invisible pain keep me from having a challenging career? How will this wear on relationship with my boyfriend?”
I felt defeated this time last year. I felt alone in my pain and felt the tides of my pain sweeping me out further to sea, and further away from comedy and everything I love.
I’m so grateful to be on the other side of pain, not to say my IIH couldn’t possible resurface; like some kind of ex-boyfriend that you’re always afraid will show up everywhere you go.
It was only weeks ago I removed my medication from my purse and my nightstand. Since mid-summer, I have held that life preserver in case that tide of pain comes back. Oddly, that fear drove me to appreciate life and expect more out of it. In return, my attitude is a bullshit intolerance. I have felt the side effects of pain: mostly not being booked on shows because I wasn’t able to be who I truly am. Now I am beyond grateful to get to be on stage. I am grateful for the clarity my therapist has been able to guide me to. My “new found lease on life” (Trademark every make-over TV show) has revealed how little time I want to waste on bullshit or things that cause me pain. Also, I’m now really into roasting the shit out of people. So watch yourself if you plan on interrupting me or just being an annoying man. I cannot tell you how empowered this healing has been to my attitude. If I had video clips of all of the moments I felt in control enough to tell off a man talking down to me or negging me, it would be a Ken Burns documentary. I would have never done this pre-IIH.
Of course, this clarity about my healing is only a new reveal. It’s odd how we, humans, have rare moments of true self-awareness. The most challenging part is when you have positive self-awareness: I am funny, I am good at my job, I am a hard worker. Southern upbringing teaches that you downplay your own good things to appear humble and “uplift” whomever you are speaking with. “Annie, great job tonight!” “Stop, I should have done x,y,z. You’re so much funnier than me.” We all have to help ourselves and stop doing this. We have to choose to revel in moments of true, positive self-awareness. We are all critical and aware of our downfalls and issues.
Since I moved to my hipster neighborhood, I have gotten really in to the woo-woo new -age-y stuff. I now drink Kombucha, I bought stupid crystals, I do cupping, and I’m actively doing hypnosis and dream studies with my therapist. Dear Lord, I’m like a pair of Birkenstocks and 3 reusable shopping bags away from starting an organic urban, community garden. Since opening myself up to hypnosis (not what you have seen at the County Fair main stage), my subconscious is open to creativity and my dreams are becoming oddly revealing. Dreams of me doing exactly what I desire to do on stage. Dreams of what I aspire in my relationship. Dreams of creativity that never had before. I completely credit the pain I endured with this new opening in my life.
In summation, I know I’m doing a lot of hipster weird crap and I have yet to mention wings… so I know what you’re thinking… No, I have not gone vegan. I don’t plan on it. Life feels good, open, creative, and hopeful.
I can’t wait to recommit myself to my love of wings and pursuit of a meaningful life.
Annie Lockwood 