Wait

I’m going to be really honest. Things aren’t great right now, but I am hopeful that things will get better. I have to be.

I’m saddened and so upset about what is going on in the White House. It all feels overwhelming and like I can’t affect any change. Outside of politics, there are a lot of serious things in my life that are up in the air. Serious things that I cannot control, but I have to wait. It’s hard thinking that in a few weeks, or months, or (hopefully) never my life maybe could be turned upside down. I just don’t know. And I HATE not knowing. 

I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, my anxiety manifests itself as an insatiable desire for control. I need all the information I can get. I need knowledge to satisfy my cravings for control.

And right now, I have to give up control. I feel like I am in a kitchen watching a chef make wings but I am tied to a chair with duct tape on my mouth so that I cannot tell the chef how to toss the wings how they should be. I have to stop trying to hold on to things that I can’t.

The need for control has especially been hard with my head. As you may have read before, I am still dealing with severe head pain, dizziness, ringing in my ears, blurred and double vision, and onset depression. I have been working for months to figure out what is going on and how to treat it. I have been to quite a few doctors, tried quite a few medications and treatments, and now I will be getting a lumbar puncture (also known as a spinal tap) in a few weeks. It’s hard when your brain (for a comic and writer, your most valuable asset) is hurting and you have to wait until the medicine kicks in or wait for it to stop. It feels like all I do is wait: for a new treatment, for a new referral, or for the pain to go away.

I keep trying to focus on the good ahead. I am going to continue to force myself to be patient and think about wings in the oven, about to come out. Wings that are so tasty and worth the wait.